Five Top Jobs for High-School Dropouts

Did you leave school before the age of fifteen because it all seemed so fucking lame? Are you of the opinion that books are only good for fire starter or door stoppers? Have you ever uttered the words, “I don’t see what we need school for; everything you could possibly ever need to know is on the internet?”

Fear not, faithful mouth-breather. You were right; even without a formal education, you will still be able to make something of your life and be financially successful, meet your miss or mister right, and procreate. Just look at this list we have compiled of the top five jobs for high-school dropouts:

Youtuber

Play video games? Have a cell phone? Then quit school and become a YouTuber!

You don’t need to know anything to be a famous YouTuber. People around the world are currently making millions of dollars for amazing YouTube channels where they wow audiences with their abilities to do stuff like play video games, apply Kim Kardashian-style makeup, and open toys. Without an education you can still do stuff on video and post it to YouTube. All you need is your cellphone camera, a cool location such as your bedroom or living room, and either good looks or a good sense of humour! The key to YouTube success is persistence. As long as you keep posting videos every week without fail, no matter how inane they are, in a few years you’ll start to see the YouTube bucks rolling in. The most famous YouTubers even get offered free stuff from famous companies, like free Revlon make-up and free gaming mouses and stuff!

Blogger

Foodbabe spends her day writing about stuff like how there are chemicals in food, and she’s rich. You could be too, no matter how stupid and uneducated you are!

Without knowing anything at all; without following the scientific method or indeed even understanding science, you can become famous and successful as a blogger who spreads fear and idiotic advice to other high-school dropouts around the world. No matter what your personal beliefs, you can write about them and convince others that you’re right, and soon you’ll start getting the attention you deserve so you can live off your blog and possibly even become super rich and famous. So go ahead and tell the world not to eat chemicals; tell the world that GMOs were created by the devil to draw people farther away from the Lord Jesus; tell the world that vaccinating their children will cause gluten intolerance and eventually the next zombie apocalypse; tell them anything! You don’t need to provide evidence. You don’t even need a firm grasp of spelling and grammar rules. All you need is a strong belief in something and the courage and stick-to-it-ive-ness to blog about it regularly, and you’ll soon garner a following, nay, an army of adorers that would put Princess Di to shame!

Politician

As you can see, not all the people on Trump’s team are actually related to him. You could join them.

Trump just got voted president, and believe it or not, he did not rise to that astounding position all by himself. He actually had a team of politically active and reality denying minions working around the clock to make sure he had idiotic stuff to post to his Twitter account and stuff like that. As Trump has so incredibly shown us, you don’t have to know anything about high-school subjects like geography, biology, math, history, social studies, law, or hairdressing to become the POTUS. You just have to be fearless and have tonnes of money. Does this sound like the job for you? Then drop out of high school and start working for Trump’s team!

McDonald’s

A career at McDonald’s will give you skills for life, such as pouring fountain pop

At McDonald’s or any other fast food chain, you can still live the American Dream. Did you know that the mid-level management team at McDonald’s consists entirely of people who were promoted from within? That’s right! Without any kind of formal education, you can start out as fry cook or dishwasher, and within only a few short decades, be regional manager making a five-digit salary and even driving a company car! So your grade 8 English teacher tried to tell you that the American Dream died with Willy Loman. Well, that’s why you dropped out! Teachers don’t know anything! In fact, the internet knows more than all the high-school teachers in the world put together! Now, go to McDonald’s website and start filling out that online application form today!

This concludes our list of the top five careers for high-school drop outs. If you are a high-school drop out enjoying financial, political, and/or social success, please tell us your story in the comments. GLM readers are eager to hear from you!