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Trump Misplaces First Lady

Posted by on 10:52 am in Get Smarter / Get Stupider | 0 comments

Trump Misplaces First Lady

Stop the presses!

It has been confirmed by the White House that first lady Melania Trump is missing.

Trump announced yesterday that he was unable to find his wife anywhere he looked.

In the face of this tragedy, Donald Trump valiantly went to Florida alone to address the first responders to the Hurricane Irma devastation. “Melania really wanted to be with us…” said Trump through tear-filled eyes. The words of a very distraught husband indeed.

Trump searches high and low for Melania

Trump searches high and low for Melania

A tragic moment in the White House

A tragic moment in the White House

Trump's sensitive soul captured in this candid moment of pining for his missing wife

Trump’s sensitive soul captured in this candid moment of pining for his missing wife

Please join us in praying that this poor man’s wife will be returned to him. Type AMEN if you agree.

TRUMP’S TOP TEN ACCOMPLISHMENTS DURING THE FIRST 100 DAYS OF THE TRUMPOCALYPSE

Posted by on 12:11 pm in Lists | 0 comments

TRUMP’S TOP TEN ACCOMPLISHMENTS DURING THE FIRST 100 DAYS OF THE TRUMPOCALYPSE

Hey, gullible fans! Well, it’s been 100 days and Trump hasn’t been assassinated yet, so with great gusto we bring you

TRUMP’S TOP TEN ACCOMPLISHMENTS DURING THE FIRST 100 DAYS OF THE TRUMPOCALYPSE

6. In an effort to protect the amazing collection of states they call the USA from anything scary they don’t understand, Trump valiantly banned people with brown skin from entering – not once, but twice. Scary brown-skinned people included in the ban were late boxing legend Muhammad Ali’s son, Muhammad Ali Jr., and a number of Canadian women feared throughout Canada for their brown skin.

Muhammad Ali Jr trying to enter his home country under strict new anti-brown laws

Muhammad Ali Jr. trying to enter his home country under strict new anti-brown laws (source)

5. With his PI hat on, Trump brilliantly discovered that President Barak Obama is actually a top-secret spy, with stuff like microwave cameras set to spy on DT in the Whitehouse. Thank goodness we can all let out our breath now that the Obama spy ring conspiracy is exposed!

massive reveal in Trump tweet

massive reveal in Trump tweet

4. Trump saved the US taxpayers zillions of dollars by bravely taking away poor people’s new affordable health care that an evil spy otherwise known as Obama gave them. Trump voters were relieved to discover that when Trump said he was going to repeal Obamacare, he was referring only to the affordable health care that they didn’t have.

 

As an added bonus, it is now less complicated to invest in healthcare stocks!

As an added bonus, it is now less complicated to invest in healthcare stocks!

3. Not-my Glorious Leader really showed all those bleeding-heart tree-hugging hippies a thing or two by putting climate change denier Scott Pruit in charge of the Environmental Protection Agency AND greenlighting the Keystone XL pipeline. Nature! Bah! Who needs it?

Trump personally destroying the environment.

Trump personally destroying the environment. (source)

2. Education is important, and Trump improved it the world over by making Alternative Facts free for everyone. Learn some of Trump’s best alternative facts here.

alternative facts coming out of the mouths of really incredibly important intelligent people

Alternative facts coming out of the mouths of really incredibly important intelligent people

  1. For a president, it is vitally important to give back to the people one serves. Trump gives back every day — he boosts the economy by allowing the US taxpayers to pay somewhere between 300,000 and 500,000 / day for his wife and young son to live in New York City. Melania’s living situation also provides employment and gives fewer opportunities for the internet to speculate about her relationship with Donald. Well played, Trump!
first ladies first -- unless your married name is Trump

First ladies first — unless your married name is Trump, LOL (source)

Six Christmas Traditions You Can’t Live Without

Posted by on 3:55 am in Lists | 0 comments

Six Christmas Traditions You Can’t Live Without

Christmas — that joyous time when families celebrate the birth of their saviour (or someone else’s saviour) by shopping and putting up a pine tree in their living room. Some people are granted a holiday so they can have extra time to devote to buying the perfect gift for every single person they know or are acquainted with and making sure they don’t miss out on any traditional decorations, pre-Christmas shopping days, or family fights about who has to be where and when. Children get time off school so they can learn the true meaning of coloured lights and frosted window spray.

But do you know where these Jesus’s birthday traditions come from? Join us for a trip down sucker lane and find out exactly why you have to contribute to deforestation, go deeper into debt, and eat yams with marshmallows this festive season.

1. The Christmas Tree

Everybody knows you’re not a true Christian if you don’t bring a tree into your house and cover it with mass-produced sparkling decorations from China at some point before December 25th. Hard-core traditionalists will actually kill a tree for this tradition, but that’s okay because some communities have a Christmas-tree recycling program where if you get your dead tree out of your house by a certain date, the city will collect it and grind it up for mulch in public parks or something. So it becomes part of the great circle of life and it’s all good.

Christmas Tree blow-out

Christmas Tree blow-out!

But why do we have to bring a tree into our house? What does murdering foliage have to do with worshiping the new-born king?

According to www.whychristmas.com, “The evergreen fir tree has traditionally been used to celebrate winter festivals (pagan and Christian) for thousands of years. Pagans used branches of it to decorate their homes during the winter solstice, as it made them think of the spring to come. The Romans used Fir Trees to decorate their temples at the festival of Saturnalia. Christians use it as a sign of everlasting life with God.” So basically what this tells us is that, during ancient Roman times when the new Christian leaders were trying to convince everyone to worship Jesus instead of the pantheon of Roman gods and goddesses, the people said, “Well, what are we supposed to do with these fir trees from the temples then?” and the church leaders said, “Uh, duh! Obviously they’re a sign of everlasting life with God!” and the people said, “Oh. Okay. Better throw some tinsel and red balls on ’em then.”

2. Santa Claus

Of course you can’t have Christmas without taking your kids to the mall and standing in line for a couple of hours to get an overpriced photo of them sitting on Santa’s lap and crying because you keep telling them about stranger danger but then throw them on some weird stranger’s lap and expect them to smile. But why? What is it about a fat man in a red suit that says, “Jesus was born in a manger to sacrifice himself as payment for our sins?”

Coca-cola and The Holidays are Coming! source: wikimedia commons

Coca-cola and The Holidays are Coming! source: wikimedia commons

According to Wikipedia, St. Nicolas was a guy who lived in Turkey in the 4th century and devoted his life to being a good Christian and giving gifts to the poor. He was especially famous for giving dowries to some poor guy’s daughters so they could get husbands and wouldn’t have to become prostitutes.

There are lots of iterations of this gift-giving character: “The modern Santa Claus grew out of traditions surrounding the historical Saint Nicholas, a fourth-century Greek bishop and gift-giver of Myra, the British figure of Father Christmas, the Dutch figure of Sinterklaas (himself based on Saint Nicholas), the German figure of the Christkind (a fabulized Christ Child), and the holidays of Twelfth Night and Epiphany and their associated figures of the Three Kings (based on the gift-giving Magi of the Nativity) and Befana. Some maintain Santa Claus also absorbed elements of the Germanic god Wodan, who was associated with the pagan midwinter event of Yule and led the Wild Hunt, a ghostly procession through the sky.”

When the poem “The Night Before Christmas” was published in the USA in 1823, modern Santa Claus was born. The poem also gave the names to his eight reindeer. Between then and now, many children’s books, advertisements, and Salvation Army charity drives contributed to the development of the traditional Santa Claus figure that we worship today. According to Wikipedia, Coca-cola was NOT the first soft-drink company to use Santa Claus in a red outfit to promote their beverage, so we can all sleep peacefully on the 24th secure in the knowledge that SC isn’t merely a tool of corporate America.

3. The Traditional Holiday Colours

Google: why do red and green...

Google: why do red and green…

Christmas wouldn’t be Christmas without taking down all the regular ornaments and putting up a bunch of red and green schlock. Throw in anything shiny and you’re good to go. But where did the traditional colours come from? Are they symbolic? When we put on our ugly Christmas sweater, should we blame Coca-cola, or the Victorians, or who?

GODDAMMIT STARBUCKS YOU RUINED MY CHRISTMAS!

GODDAMMIT STARBUCKS YOU RUINED MY CHRISTMAS!

Dr. Spike Bucklow from the University of Cambridge has been investigating the answer to this very question, and he discovered that although the Victorians started many of our current Christmas traditions, there were two pre-Victorian roots to the red-green colour coding. One was that in medieval churches, there were panels separating the naves from the chancels. These panels were called “rood screens” and were often painted in red and green. Dr. Spike reckons that might be because the red and green pigments were most readily available, but also because this colour combination symbolized the boundary between the part of the church where the priest goes and the part of the church where the parishioners go. Dr. Spike said that the Victorians, who got into restoring old church stuff, may have adopted this red-green colour code to symbolize the boundary of the ending of an old year and the beginning of a new year. Read more of Dr. Spike’s discoveries and musings here.

4. Snow

“I’m dreaming of a white Christmas.” I’m curious to know why, even though Jesus was born in the Middle East, and as many people know the Middle East is mostly desert, snow is considered such an important part of celebrating His birth?

I think it’s because the USA is the center of the universe, and it snows in some parts of the USA in December. But I don’t have all the answers, so I Googled it, and I found the answer on howstuffworks.com. It’s because Bing Crosby recorded Irving Berlin’s song, “White Christmas,” in 1940 and it became popular in the US and with US American troops who were stationed overseas where they don’t have snow.

According to this probability map by the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration, most states have a less than 25% chance of snow on Christmas day, so I think hoping for a white Christmas is like hoping for a Christmas miracle. If it snows on Christmas day, it shows that God really does care.

5. Boxing Day Sales

You have to buy stuff for other people BEFORE December 25th, and give yourself time to wrap it of course, so that means you have to pay full price for those thousands of xmas gifts you’re responsible for. But AFTER December 25th, after you’ve opened and been disappointed by all the stuff people bought for you, the Boxing Day sales start, and then it’s time to buy the stuff for yourself that you really wanted but nobody thought to get you for Christmas.

But why did this tradition of buying stuff on the day after Christmas start? What even is Boxing Day?

Boxing Day Blowout

Boxing Day Blowout – How much for Burt Reynolds?

A UK radio host called Paul Denton has the answer. Paul says that the Victorians started Boxing Day in the UK and it spread to commonwealth countries. It was started as a day to give tradesmen boxes in exchange for their year of good service. Paul doesn’t mention whether the boxes had anything inside them, but he does mention that before it was Boxing Day, Dec. 26th was St. Stephen’s Day, an important saint because he was the first dude to be martyred for his Christian faith; he was stoned to death shortly after Christ’s crucifixion and he is mentioned in the favourite Christmas carol, “Good King Wenceslas.” Boxing day is also a good opportunity for families with lots of divorce and remarriage to have a third Christmas dinner at one of the lesser Grandma’s houses.

6. Coloured Lights

Everyone knows that in the olden days, people used to put candles all over their Christmas trees to represent the stars in the night sky when the three wise men went to meet Jesus for the first time. Of course, candles on a tree, especially a dead and probably dry one, are quite the fire hazard, so in our modern world we use coloured lights instead.

Offensive Christmas Lights in Blackpool

Offensive Christmas Lights in Blackpool

When I was a little kid I used to think, “God knows we’re doing this for Him. He wouldn’t let our house burn down.” But now I know that if you’re too busy shopping and stuff and you forget to pray, God will let all manner of bad Christmas things happen, like your house burn down, your cat eat tinsel and die, your dad get stuck in the chimney pretending to be Santa Claus and die… the list goes on. But I digress. The real question here is not, “Why would God let our house burn down when we’re only trying to show how much we love Him?” but “Why do we put up coloured lights all over our house at Christmas?”

According to gizmodo.com, the answer is Thomas Edison. Apparently, in 1880 Edison decided to promote his new invention, the electric light bulb, by stringing up incandescent bulbs all over his laboratory compound in a Christmas miracle light display, and the tradition was born. Immediately, presumably, everyone in America flocked to their local shops to buy strings of lights and then risked their necks to tack the lights all over their houses. Much like we do today, over two hundred years later.

So, the first Christmas light display was a marketing stunt, and light bulb companies all over the world still benefit from it every year. Be careful how you arrange your lights, though. You don’t want to offend anyone.

Happy holidays, everyone!

Five Top Jobs for High-School Dropouts

Posted by on 7:32 am in Lists | 0 comments

Five Top Jobs for High-School Dropouts

Did you leave school before the age of fifteen because it all seemed so fucking lame? Are you of the opinion that books are only good for fire starter or door stoppers? Have you ever uttered the words, “I don’t see what we need school for; everything you could possibly ever need to know is on the internet?”

Fear not, faithful mouth-breather. You were right; even without a formal education, you will still be able to make something of your life and be financially successful, meet your miss or mister right, and procreate. Just look at this list we have compiled of the top five jobs for high-school dropouts:

Youtuber

minecraft-youtubing

Play video games? Have a cell phone? Then quit school and become a YouTuber!

You don’t need to know anything to be a famous YouTuber. People around the world are currently making millions of dollars for amazing YouTube channels where they wow audiences with their abilities to do stuff like play video games, apply Kim Kardashian-style makeup, and open toys. Without an education you can still do stuff on video and post it to YouTube. All you need is your cellphone camera, a cool location such as your bedroom or living room, and either good looks or a good sense of humour! The key to YouTube success is persistence. As long as you keep posting videos every week without fail, no matter how inane they are, in a few years you’ll start to see the YouTube bucks rolling in. The most famous YouTubers even get offered free stuff from famous companies, like free Revlon make-up and free gaming mouses and stuff!

Blogger

foodbabe-tells-you-not-to-eat-chemicals-and-she-is-rich

Foodbabe spends her day writing about stuff like how there are chemicals in food, and she’s rich. You could be too, no matter how stupid and uneducated you are!

Without knowing anything at all; without following the scientific method or indeed even understanding science, you can become famous and successful as a blogger who spreads fear and idiotic advice to other high-school dropouts around the world. No matter what your personal beliefs, you can write about them and convince others that you’re right, and soon you’ll start getting the attention you deserve so you can live off your blog and possibly even become super rich and famous. So go ahead and tell the world not to eat chemicals; tell the world that GMOs were created by the devil to draw people farther away from the Lord Jesus; tell the world that vaccinating their children will cause gluten intolerance and eventually the next zombie apocalypse; tell them anything! You don’t need to provide evidence. You don’t even need a firm grasp of spelling and grammar rules. All you need is a strong belief in something and the courage and stick-to-it-ive-ness to blog about it regularly, and you’ll soon garner a following, nay, an army of adorers that would put Princess Di to shame!

Politician

trump-and-his-twitter-peeps

As you can see, not all the people on Trump’s team are actually related to him. You could join them.

Trump just got voted president, and believe it or not, he did not rise to that astounding position all by himself. He actually had a team of politically active and reality denying minions working around the clock to make sure he had idiotic stuff to post to his Twitter account and stuff like that. As Trump has so incredibly shown us, you don’t have to know anything about high-school subjects like geography, biology, math, history, social studies, law, or hairdressing to become the POTUS. You just have to be fearless and have tonnes of money. Does this sound like the job for you? Then drop out of high school and start working for Trump’s team!

 

 

McDonald’s

a-career-at-mcdonalds-will-give-you-skills-for-life-such-as-pouring-fountain-pop

A career at McDonald’s will give you skills for life, such as pouring fountain pop

At McDonald’s or any other fast food chain, you can still live the American Dream. Did you know that the mid-level management team at McDonald’s consists entirely of people who were promoted from within? That’s right! Without any kind of formal education, you can start out as fry cook or dishwasher, and within only a few short decades, be regional manager making a five-digit salary and even driving a company car! So your grade 8 English teacher tried to tell you that the American Dream died with Willy Loman. Well, that’s why you dropped out! Teachers don’t know anything! In fact, the internet knows more than all the high-school teachers in the world put together! Now, go to McDonald’s website and start filling out that online application form today!

This concludes our list of the top five careers for high-school drop outs. If you are a high-school drop out enjoying financial, political, and/or social success, please tell us your story in the comments. GLM readers are eager to hear from you!

 

Get Stupider with Food Babe; Get Smarter with SciBabe

Posted by on 12:59 pm in Get Smarter / Get Stupider | 0 comments

Get Stupider with Food Babe; Get Smarter with SciBabe

Have you ever noticed that some websites bring you information that is backed up by evidence and valid scientific studies, while other websites tell you things that are based on speculation, hearsay, hype, and anecdotal evidence?

In our new feature, Gullible Lives Matter presents Get Smarter vs. Get Stupider. In each installment, we will give you an overview of a reliable, informative website and its clueless, moronic counterpart, in an effort to help you use those critical thinking skills your teachers tried so hard to cram down your throat in middle school to decide what information you read on the internet is believable, and which is questionable.

SciBabe

SciBabe tells you some stuff about health and nutrition that is fact-based instead of hype-based, and dirty jokes.

Wow, an intelligent, educated, informed scientist who gives you factual information about nutrition and health! It’s Science Babe! (no relation to Food Babe, except when SciBabe pokes fun at her.) Gullible Lives Matter is pleased to present a website chock-full of valuable information that you can use to live a healthier lifestyle, plus dirty jokes! SciBabe aka Yvette d’Entremont, according to her website, is actually educated: she “holds a B.A. in theatre, a B.S. in chemistry, and an MSc in forensic science with a concentration in biological criminalistics.” At Gullible Lives Matter, we don’t know what that means, but it sounds pretty impressive with all those big words.

SciBabe gives you diet advice.

And it’s from actual dietitians who know what they are talking about instead of something she made up while trying to figure out how to pronounce the big words on a food label. “We do a lot of talking about diets on this page. What makes a healthy diet? Why do people follow ridiculous diets? What the fuck is up with gluten?” Learn the answers to these questions and more, from a registered dietitian who eats at In-N-Out, Joe Leech, here.

SciBabe kicks nature right in the ‘nads.

photo credit: ohnotheydidnt.livejournal.com

photo credit: ohnotheydidnt.livejournal.com

How many times has nature tried to kill you? Strep, staph, weather, tsunamis, all the vaccine-preventable illnesses, tooth decay, allergies that range from life-threatening to “goddamnit, it’s spring and the trees are fucking,” and whatever the fuck Gwyneth Paltrow is getting stung by bees to cure.” If you’ve been buying into all that NATURAL IS BETTER hype, you might want to read her post explaining the many ways that nature lets you down and modern medicine saves your life, here.

SciBabe takes on Food Babe for the win.

On Saint Patrick’s Day, everyone’s immediate impulse is to drink something green. According to SciBabe,”…instead of telling people that the gallons of beer they’re drinking for St. Patrick’s Day is carcinogenic (because it is), reminding them to Uber it home or have a designated driver tonight (you should), she’s warning them about…

Milkshakes. Because big words scare her.

And of course, telling them to make her much healthier ice cream laced with unicorn tears and kale or some shit.

Oh, SciBabe, you’re so funny! But wait, you’re also so right! In this post, SciBabe presents the math proving that Food Babe’s alternative home-made, natural, non-GMO, ‘healthy’ green shake is actually higher in calories than McDonald’s Shamrock Shake. MORE FATTENING THAN SOMETHING YOU GET AT MCDONALD’S! Ha ha, Food Babe, what a bimbo. Read all about it here.

And that’s just the first page of SciBabe’s blog. Have fun learning more interesting and TRUE stuff about nutrition, and you’re welcome.

vani hari aka the food babe

Vani Hari aka the Food Babe thinks she knows her food LOL

Food Babe, or Vani Hari, is an uneducated moron, but since her target audience is also uneducated morons, she has become very popular by spouting nonsense that has no scientific backing. When she started getting popular, she realized she had to hire a copywriter and an editor so that her content would appear intelligent, but if you look behind the carefully-paid-for words, you will see that some of the ideas are bunk. Let’s take a look at a few cases in point.

Food Babe claims that “There is just no acceptable level of any chemical to ingest, ever.

Food Babe, do you even know what a chemical is? Before Food Babe became a monetized blogger and quack book writer, she was a financial consultant, a job that suggests she must have at least had a high-school education. Let’s think back to grade-10 chemistry. A chemical is something made of molecules. Molecules are made of atoms, and atoms are the building block of all matter. “All matter” means everything. All things are made of matter, i.e. atoms, i.e. molecules, i.e. chemicals. Let’s break it down even further. Air is made of chemicals: oxygen, nitrogen, hydrogen, and helium, among others. Water is made of chemicals: hydrogen and oxygen. Our bodies are made of chemicals, heavy on the carbon. An organic, non-GMO, pesticide-free apple picked straight off a tree in your backyard where you used compost for fertilizer is made of CHEMICALS. All matter, everything that exists in the entire universe is made of chemicals. So according to Food Babe, we should neither eat, drink, nor breathe, because “There is just no acceptable level of any chemical to ingest, ever.

Food Babe does not use microwave ovens for no valid reason

Food Babe does not use microwave ovens for no valid reason except that she’s a misinformed idiot, and she wants you to be one, too!

Food Babe is afraid of microwaves.

She spouted out a bunch of bullshit about microwaves in one particular blog post that she later took down from her site, presumably because for once she listened to someone who knew what they were talking about. In her anti-microwave post she claimed that microwaves destroy nutrients in your food, but the reality is that cooking your food in the microwave actually retains more nutrients than many other conventional ways of cooking. For example, when you boil broccoli, many of the nutrients transfer out of the broccoli and into the water, which you likely pour away, but when you microwave broccoli, the nutrients have nowhere else to go so they stay in the broccoli. Food Babe also thought microwaves could give you cancer, but with the decades of real scientific research done on microwaves, pretty much everyone else in the entire world is now aware that they don’t. Read some actual science before making ridiculous claims in the future, okay, Food Babe?

Food Babe is afraid of pasteurized milk.

“I believe that 100% grass-fed raw dairy is the best choice, if it’s available to you locally.” She thinks that pasteurizing milk removes all the nutrients (but she is wrong.) Pasteurizing milk is a process of heating the milk to kill germs. According to Anna Maria Siega-Riz, PhD, professor of epidemiology and nutrition at the University of North Carolina, Chapel Hill, someone who actually knows what she’s talking about when it comes to food and health, “Raw milk, which means unpasteurized, can carry dangerous bacteria such as salmonella, E. coli, and listeria, which are responsible for numerous foodborne illnesses, especially among people with weak or developing immune systems, young children, pregnant women and older adults.” The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, someone else who knows what they’re talking about, says raw milk is the most dangerous milk to drink, since it can cause horrific, life-threatening diseases. So if you drink raw milk and die of salmonella, make sure you write Food Babe and thank her for her excellent advice.

Read more ways that Food Babe is wrong and can give you life-threatening advice here and here.

First Annual GLM Film Awards Recognizes Donald Trump’s The Art of the Deal — The Movie

Posted by on 1:50 pm in Lists | 0 comments

First Annual GLM Film Awards Recognizes Donald Trump’s The Art of the Deal — The Movie

Let’s kick off the middle of February with an event of major historical significance: the FIRST ANNUAL GULLIBLE LIVES MATTER FILM AWARDS!

All nominations and voting were done by the staff of GLM during this morning’s lie-in.

 

And the winners are:

 

Best Picture: Donald Trump’s The Art of the Deal — The Movie

Title The Art of the Deal the Movie

Titles for The Art of the Deal — the Movie

Best Director: Ron Howard and Jeremy Konner for Donald Trump’s The Art of the Deal — The Movie

Ron Howard - director of Donald Trump The Art of the Deal The Movie

Ron Howard – the genius behind Donald Trump’s The Art of the Deal — The Movie

Best Producer: Adam McKay, Allison Hord, and Matt Pittman of Funny or Die for Donald Trump’s The Art of the Deal — The Movie

Ron Howard slips in the cassette for Donald Trump The Art of the Deal The Movie

Ron Howard slips in the cassette for Donald Trump’s The Art of the Deal — The Movie

Best Actor in a Ridiculous Role: Johnny Depp as Donald Trump in Donald Trump’s The Art of the Deal — The Movie

Johnny Depp's amazing performance as Donald Trump in The Art of the Deal The Movie

Johnny Depp perfectly captures the physical and emotional strain of taking a shit as Donald Trump in Donald Trump’s The Art of the Deal — The Movie

Best Actress in an Eastern European Bride Role: Michaela Watkins as Ivana Trump in Donald Trump’s The Art of the Deal — The Movie

Michaela Watkins as Ivana Trump in Donald Trump's The Art of the Deal - The Movie

Michaela Watkins as Ivana Trump in Donald Trump’s The Art of the Deal – The Movie

Best ’80s-Style Song: Kenny Loggins for “The Art of the Deal” in Donald Trump’s The Art of the Deal — The Movie

kenny loggins photo credit target

Kenny Loggins performs the title song, “The Art of the Deal” in Donald Trump’s The Art of the Deal — The Movie. Photo credit: Target

Best Set Design: Donald Trump’s The Art of the Deal — The Movie

Le Club set in Donand Trump The Art of the Deal the Movie

Le Club set in Donald Trump’s The Art of the Deal — The Movie

Best Costumes: Jordy Scheinberg for Donald Trump’s The Art of the Deal — The Movie

Best Costumes Donald Trump The Art of the Deal the Movie

Everybody I knew had that sweater in 1988. The costume designer must have scoured every Salvation Army and Goodwill in the city for the amazingly authentic costumes in this period piece.

Best Montage: Donald Trump’s phone montage in Donald Trump’s The Art of the Deal — The Movie

The phone montage gives us dozens of new Trumpisms, including, “Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall! I can build you a  much better one.”

Best Special Effects: Donald Trump’s The Art of the Deal — The Movie

special effects - trump cards in The Art of the Deal - The Movie

The best special FX of the decade: the Trump Cards in Donald Trump’s The Art of the Deal — The Movie

Best Screenplay: Joe Randazzo for Donald Trump’s The Art of the Deal — The Movie

Randazzo’s masterpiece is rife with memorable lines, such as, “Show the kid your cock choppers!”

Best Rap Scene Produced since the ’80s Ended: Ron Funches’s “Lawsuit Rap” in Donald Trump’s The Art of the Deal — The Movie

best rap scene in Donald Trump's The Art of the Deal - The Movie

Ron Funches’s “Lawsuit Rap” rap scene in Donald Trump’s The Art of the Deal — The Movie

Best Gaffer in a 50-minute Made-for-Internet Movie: Lee Spencer

And best of all of all, you don’t have to spend fifty bucks at the theater to view this astounding piece of cinematic mastery; you don’t even have to torrent a pirate copy, because it’s available for free HERE for all viewers. What a marvelous gift! Thank you, Funny or Die!

What other categories does this film mop up? Go ahead and tell us in the comments down there.

Unless otherwise stated, all photo credits are from “Donald Trump’s The Art of the Deal — The Movie” on www.funnyordie.com. Click on the image below to go there:

Funny or Die presents Donald Trump's The Art of the Deal - The Movie

Powerball and Forehead Tattoos – Top Ten Questionable GoFundMe Campaigns

Posted by on 11:59 pm in Lists | 2 comments

Powerball and Forehead Tattoos – Top Ten Questionable GoFundMe Campaigns

Used to be you had to wear a fake girl-scout uniform and go door-to-door with a cookie order form or collect pledges to walk from New York to Idaho to scam people out of their money. Now pretty much anyone who wants money for pretty much anything can use online crowd-funding. In some cases, you can actually be successful in getting money from people, too.

So now that you have your tax return, you’re probably feeling like you ought to share the wealth and send at least one percent of your refund to someone in need. Here are our choices for who you should definitely not send money to:

NUMBER TEN:

 

forehead tattoo removal

Forehead tattoos are the new mid-lower-back tattoos.

Not only did this pot head (no pun intended) raise more than enough money to get her tat removed, she also had at least two offers to pay for the entire process. It makes you feel like what the heck, get that idiotic tattoo in a stupid place! Getting it removed again is a cake-walk!

NUMBER NINE:

birthday tattoo

I’ll show you mine if you’ll show me yours…

On the subject of tattoos, who could resist sending money to this guy?

NUMBER EIGHT:

powerball loser

I done spended all my savings on them big lotto ticket thingies. I don’t know much about math but I reckoned I had a pretty dang good chance of winnin’ if I bought all them tickets!

I wanted to share this campaign with you for the lolz, but GoFundMe for some reason took it down. I don’t know, I thought it seemed legit. Here’s what the woman in question had to say to her GoFundMe friends:

powerball loser

She EXPECTED to win.

NUMBER SEVEN:

pot brownies

This *ahem* chocolate lover could use a friendly handout.

The Chocolate Leaf Bakery, eh? Yeah… I don’t think that’s a chocolate leaf per se. Unless they mean the chocolate AND leaf bakery…

NUMBER SIX:

barbie house and dolls

Come on, kid, at least give us a smile if you expect us to line your PayPal account for that dream house.

Geez, I find it difficult to believe that in a whole month not ONE person sent 500 dollars to this orfen whose mom said she should come here…

NUMBER FIVE:

cummins gofundme

Already has a cummins, what more could he possibly need?

What even is a cummins? I’m gonna be honest, Big Tex, I don’t care. Maybe daddy cut you off from the bank account for a reason… But good luck with getting that $10K. You’re off to a great start. (Reading this again, I’m beginning to question whether it’s actually a joke… maybe? Could anyone be this much of an asshat?)

NUMBER FOUR:

fallout 4 party gofundme

Translation: If you buy me a video game I’ll have a party.

Come on, you want to be the first to give, don’t you? We know there are lots of babies with incurable diseases, people whose houses burned down, and families who can’t afford a decent funeral for their deceased loved ones, but this guy is desperately in need of Fallout 4! Come on, people!!

NUMBER THREE:

obama gun control

This one might actually be a joke.

John Wayne here is only asking for a dollar for those billboards (bullboards?); is that so much to ask, folks? I just want to point out with number three here that GoFundMe made it against their rules to fund for abortion,  pornography, “ending the life of an animal,” or gambling, but funding gun-totin cousin-screwin pick-up-truck-drivin trophy-huntin trailer-park-residin pit-bull-fightin redneck propaganda crap is okay. Questionable…

NUMBER TWO:

anti trump gofundme

If you only donate to one assclown on our top-ten list, please let it be this guy!

Still on the topic of political propaganda, If this picture isn’t enough to convince you, read what Louis had to say about his campaign:

anti trump gofundme

It’s funny and true. Now this is a bandwagon I’ll jump on!

“Toxic hairclown!” Classic!

But what is the most questionable use of GoFundMe I could find? Look out for…

NUMBER ONE!:

puke fines gofundme

This is truly what growing up is all about.

I like this one because not only is it a cause I can really get behind, it is also so poetic. Almost lyrical. Taylor Swift, look out!

And that concludes our list for the top ten most ridiculous uses of crowdfunding site GoFundMe. Do you agree with our list? Have you seen something even stupider? Drop us a line or leave a comment.