Gluten is my Spirit Animal

Aug 01

fat-free marshmallows

Marshmallows are made entirely of sugar. There’s no fat in ’em, nope.

Boy, did I crack up a few years ago when I went to the supermarket and found that marshmallows were labelled “fat free.”

“What?! Fat-free marshmallows!? Best day ever!” (nom nom nom)

(If you aren’t following, marshmallows are made of sugar. All sugar is fat-free. But that doesn’t mean porking out on a big bag of marshmallows is going to do any good for your weight-loss diet.)

But now when I go to the supermarket, everything is labelled “gluten free.”

Gluten is a protein found in some grains, including wheat, rye, and barley. It’s gluey and helps hold baked goods together, and helps give bread its chewy consistency. But unless you suffer from celiac disease, gluten can’t hurt you. In fact, if you cut gluten out of your diet, you’re going to miss out on a lot of valuable vitamins and minerals that whole-grain products provide, like B12 and iron.

gluten-free candy

Apparently, all this candy is gluten-free. BRING IT ON! Finally, someone has figured out what makes candy unhealthy and discovered a way to make candy without it!

About one in 133 people have celiac disease, a disease that causes a bad reaction to gluten. Symptoms of celiac disease include diarrhea, anemia, bone pain, and severe skin rash. My friend who  had celiac disease got so ill from the tiniest bit of gluten in his food that he couldn’t order deep-fried foods in restaurants because most restaurants deep-fry their wheat products, like perogies, onion rings, and hot apple pies, in the same oil they use for non-wheat items, like fries. If you have celiac disease, it’s a good idea to stay clear away from even the littlest bit of gluten.

However, if you don’t have celiac disease, and you’re just scared because you read on the internet that gluten will make you fat, you can put away your fears and hop off the bandwagon. Fat makes you fat. Sugar makes you fat. Eating too much and sitting around doing nothing makes you fat. If you reach for a gluten-free king-sized Snickers bar while marathoning Game of Thrones, you’re just making yourself fatter.

Maybe you think you have a sensitivity to gluten because you read a review of a book where some asshat badmouthed gluten and blamed everything from autism to arthritis on this protein. (“Wheat Belly” by William Davis, for example). So in the 80s, gluten didn’t hurt anyone except a few poor souls afflicted with celiac disease. In the 90s, everyone got all down on carbs, but gluten still wasn’t hurting folks. Suddenly, gluten is responsible for all these health problems and diseases. But I’m calling bullshit.

But don’t take my word for it. There’s a pretty clear discussion of gluten on WebMD (click here) and if you’re up for a pretty long article without very many pictures, check out “Against the Grain,” on The New Yorker.

If you really do think that gluten has been the source of all your problems all this time, maybe you ought to go to your GP and get tested. Otherwise, if you’ve read this far, you deserve to be privy to my…

Weight Loss Secret

For one day and one day only:

This is it, folks. Only my very special fans who read entire posts without getting confused and clicking away deserve to know this one amazing trick to help you lose weight and keep it off. This one shocking secret to a longer, better life. This little-known method to improving your general health and wellness: keeping your heart healthy, having radiant skin, sleeping better at night… are you ready for this?

Grab a pen and paper and get ready to jot this down…

Here it is…

My surprising secret to living longer healthier, and slimmer:






So complicated. Well, you know what, I think if I stretch that out to a 200-page how-to book, I might finally get the recognition and money I deserve. So, TTFN, I’m off to put pen to paper and become a self-made millionaire!


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